Sunday, May 11, 2008

Secrets and Prayers

Haven’t blogged in awhile because I’ve been struggling with a scary secret. About a month ago I discovered a small lump in my breast. My Mom died of breast cancer – it will be 26 years on May 17th – and I was totally freaked out. After a month of worrying, praying, Mammograms, sonograms, and consultations, things are looking brighter. Most likely it is benign – I go for a needle biopsy on May 19th.

During this ordeal, I have learned a few things about myself. At first I did not want to tell anyone – not even my husband, kids, sister, friends, etc. – because somehow saying it out loud made it more real. And I didn’t tell anyone for weeks. I also felt ashamed, not sure why. My body had betrayed me. I had taken all the “right” steps to avoid this disease – breastfeeding, low fat diet, exercise, annual mammogram. And yet here it was.

I also felt privileged to live in New York City where some of the best hospitals are located. And fortunate to have Medicare and Medigap insurance that allowed me to seek out the best care.

When I prayed, I just couldn’t allow myself to pray that it would turn out to be “nothing”. That sounded like “baby prayers” – “Here’s my wish list, Lord”. I am too “grown up” to pray like that! Instead, I took a deep breath and placed myself in God’s enormous hands. After all, He’s never let me down before, even through some of the darkest nights. I am not in control here. It helped but still …. it was so hard. Then I remembered Jesus’ prayer in the Garden. “Father if it be possible, let this cup pass.” Hey, if Jesus could pray to be let off, I could too. And the rest, “not my will but Thy will be done”. And that’s how I prayed. As I told family and friends, answers came, bit by bit, through them.

As always, I feel blessed. And I ask for your prayers on May 19th.

Happy Mother’s Day to all Moms out there. How lucky I am to have had such a wonderful, strong, courageous Mom, who taught me so much. And to know that my grandkids have such devoted, caring, loving mothers – my own daughters and daughter-in-law. I am blessed indeed.