Scribbles, R.I.P.

Today is a sad day. Our pet cat, Scribbles died early this morning. His illness came on suddenly and we took him to the vet on Friday. They could not identify what exactly was the cause of his illness. We decided against expensive and intensive treatment that didn’t have any guarantees, and brought him home.

Suddenly I missed all the things about Scribbles that I used to complain about. Like when he would jump on the table. His uncanny ability to appear when I took out the can opener from the drawer or some Deli meat from the fridge. How he’d stand up, paws on the kitchen counter, head looking up expectantly. I’d have to keep a pile of turkey to feed him to get a little space to make my sandwich. I missed him chasing Shady around the house, galloping up and down the stairs, waiting at the door when he heard Angel’s car, sitting on top of the rocker while I did my crosswords. I feel so guilty for yelling at him. I didn’t realize how much I loved that little ball of orange fur. How much a part of our family he’d become.

When Scribbles was a kitten, the pattern on his side looked like the letters J-O-Y. Tina named him Scribbles; it was a good name for him. But he did live his life filled with “Joy”. And he brought lots of joy into Angel’s life. And mine.

Angel was so good to Scribbles. He cared for him when he was well and during the two week mysterious illness that claimed his life. Angel said that Scribbles was a good friend to him. Well, Angel was a good friend to Scribbles. He sat with him and comforted him to the end. That’s what friends do. And it’s hard.

What did Scribbles teach me in his brief life? That when you are free to be totally yourself - and he was! - no matter what old lady is yelling at you, then you live a full life, a life of joy. And you bring joy into the lives of others, even though you are a lowly furry creature.

I learned that what annoys me about others may very well be what I miss most when they are gone. So maybe I need to reassess all my relationships. They may not be what I think they are. They may mean a lot more to me than I realize. Thank you, Scribbles. Thank you for being you. For bringing joy into our lives. Thank you for annoying me - I needed that. I will miss you mucho.

Christmas Letter 2010

Merry Christmas to All!

2010 was a most challenging year, one that forced me to face my aging in a scary way. I was hampered by a cough and hoarseness all Spring. Then in June I suffered a stress fracture and in October a bout with diverticulitis. These maladies changed my life in significant ways, including my part time work in the city and my daily walking routine. But I learned much from the experiences – that I am not in complete control; that Angel, my friends and family provide generous loving support; and that perhaps it is time for me to slow down and dig deep. So off I am in new directions: leading a series of workshops on late life spirituality and looking forward to a Contemplative Formation program at Mariandale next year.

Many celebrations to report. In May we had a combo-gala for the 3 Payne grandchildren's birthdays, Chase's confirmation and Sierra's First Communion, plus Angel's 70th. And how fantastic when Lisa surprised us with a visit in time for the party! Marina started taking a class at the community college, while continuing her job at the library. Chase is pursuing film classes, along with tae kwan do. Sierra was a helpful companion when I was convalescing from my fracture. My son Angel got a new job in Pennsylvania, and grandson Sam took classes in the gifted program at Montclair State University. Now they will have to move. The California grandkids – Aidan and Jackson are now at the same school, and doing great with ice hockey lessons. I missed seeing them this year.

My sister Kathy is a great pal and we get together often. After a difficult pregnancy, my niece Audra had a healthy baby boy in February; Dylan's smile lights up my heart! We love seeing him and his big brother Braden. My Pennsylvania cousins paid a visit with their cousin from England in June. Like myself, so many family and friends faced health challenges this year: my cousin Cindy, brother-in-law Jose, my friends Arleen and Sister Pat. Happily all are on the mend. But it makes you stop and ponder.

I am so grateful for my friends, who I meet with often: Pat N.; Peter and Ann; John and Bea. Connected with Sr. Jean Canora and Pat Healey from Catholic Charities days. And my “Met Club” friends pushed me around the Garden in a wheel chair when I couldn't travel. I am truly inspired by all the wonderful people that God has blessed me with.

The book in which I contributed a chapter was published – Spiritual and Psychological Aspects of Illness (Paulist Press).

2010 may have been trying at times but it was also filled with blessings. And so I look forward with great hope to 2011. May you all enjoy a Christmas season and new year of peace, health and moments of sheer delight!

Forever Friends

Last week my friends journeyed all the way to the Bronx to be with me. We got a wheel chair and they pushed me around the Botanical Gardens. Later that week, as I sat in the Gardens, I realized that I hadn't written a poem for awhile. I searched for "inspiration" and it came. After some tweaking and evolving, here it is.

Forever Friends

I have friends of every persuasion.

Two legged friends who wheel me about
when my heart's at low tide.

Green limbed friends that drape my
deep down dread
in shimmering stillness.

Anonymous friends who open new doors
when windows slam shut.

Furry friends testing true,
even though I yell
Get off the table!

Unseen friends whispering from beyond
when menacing mists swallow hope.

And I bow to the care of my friends.

Copyright: E.M. Ramos 7/21/10

Spring Challenges

It’s been a challenging Spring for me. Busy with happy things: my granddaughter Sierra’s First Communion and grandson Chase’s Confirmation in May. Plus all the May birthdays: Sierra - 8; Marina - 17; and Chase - 14 years old! A big party on May 1st to celebrate all of the above plus my husband’s 70th birthday.

And then I was struck by a persistent cough, tickling in the throat, and hoarseness. Went to the doctor several times but it would not go away. They attribute it to the terrible pollen season we’ve been having but I - true to my nature - began to worry. In the meantime my back went out and I pulled a groin muscle (like A-rod!). I had to get a cane and I could not do my usual hour walk each day; in fact, I could hardly walk at all. This was awful since walking is my main exercise and helps me work off stress.

I became so frightened and my imagination was working overtime. Thankfully, I trust my doctors and they were very reassuring. In fact, everyone was being so nice to me. My friends were concerned and full of stories and helpful hints. Angel was wonderful, doing all the housework and shepherding me around.

I learned a powerful lesson from all of this. My independence, which I value so, is fragile - as it is for all of us. Learning to lean on others, to accept their help is difficult. Through all of this challenging Spring, one thing pulled me through. Prayer. I do remember to pray and even when I pray in darkness, without much hope, the answers come. In the form of doctors, friends, loved ones. A lesson I needed to learn indeed.

January Poems

I don’t know what it is about winter that inspires the poet in me but it does. Maybe it’s being able to see through uncluttered bare branches, to see what I didn’t notice during the distraction of Fall. Anyway I am just grateful for the gift of another poem.

Winter Whine

This is not your gentle January.
This month means business.
Freeze drying the brain
Shoving shiv ‘ring bones within
To seek refuge nigh
Desiccating hearth,
There to brood on shortened days
To cry dry tears for dead dreams
And look back in anguish.

Or perhaps, January says “go out”.
Sip in the icy breath of life.
Dance merrily on the slippery way.
Dare to fall and rise again.
And look ahead in awe.

© E.M. Ramos 1/8/2010

The next poem was inspired by my dear friend Mary, 95 years young, who says that she seems to be sleeping most of the day. I have long connected late life with winter. And so ….

Winter Waiting

Winter time’s for sleeping.
That’s just the way it is.
All the world appears dead,
Draped in dried, drab reminders
Of Autumn’s harvest.

Yet just below the surface
Life lies in quiet repose.
Renewing energy
Dreaming of Spring
Hoping for rebirth.

© E.M. Ramos 1/17/2010

Christmas Letter 2009

Merry Christmas to All!

As another year speeds to a close, I am grateful for many blessings: family and friends; new adventures and opportunities to grow. My health continues to be stable and I get plenty of exercise walking to my part time job in lower Manhattan and in my beloved Botanical Gardens.

What a glorious time my granddaughter and I had in Italy on the Cathedral HS trip in February, thanks to my pal Sister P. We toured Rome, Pisa, Venice and even San Marino; but our favorite city was Florence. I will never forget the early morning trek over snow slicked cobblestones in Assisi to attend Mass at the basilica. In August I visited my daughter and her family in California and was there for the big fires. Scary! We also took mini-trips to San Francisco, Ft. Ross, the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, and Legoland.

My daughter Tina is still home schooling and doing her amazing comic strips on her blog (you can get there by clicking onto "My daughter's blog" on the sidebar). Chase is 13 and growing taller and handsomer by the day, with his curly dark hair and dimples. Sierra has enjoyed more time with us; one day she accompanied Angel to the Senior Center plus trips to the Zoo and Gardens with me! My son coaches Sam's Little League team and we went to a game to see Sam pitch. Also enjoyed Sam's Celebration of Learning Day in May and a minor league ballgame in July.

We spent lots of time with my sister Kathy and family and her new grandson Braden. Kathy and I took a trip to Pennsylvania on Halloween weekend to visit all of my H. cousins' new houses. It is a joy being with them and their families. I am looking forward to being together with all my siblings - Kathy, Jim, John and Jeff - to celebrate the 100th anniversary of our Dad's birth on December 28th.


A theme of 2009 - friends. I even wrote a poem, "Shoes". From the past - got to visit my dear friend Mary, 94 years young, in California and was surprised by a visit from the H.'s, Ann and John. Frequent friends - Pat N. and I saw South Pacific on Broadway. Wow! My Met Club pals meet faithfully every month. Phone friends A. and cousin Jan call often. New friends from my job and from my Spirituality Group.

Just like me, my "toys" are aging, so I bought a new car and a new laptop - thank you Reed for setting it up. I co-authored a blog about elder poverty on inforumusa.org, and have a chapter in a book to be published next Spring. Happily many poems came to me this year. Click on the sidebar to read a few.

Although 2009 was a challenging time economically for many of us, it gives you an opportunity to put things in perspective, to understand what really matters in life. And to realized you don't really need all that much stuff. And so I look forward with great hope to 2010.

Friends and Feet

Four retired Catholic Charities colleagues and I get together monthly to visit the Met or other cultural attractions in the NY area. I call it the Met Club. Of the group, two are long time friends; now the others are friends as well. The other day we were chatting about foot problems, experiences with physical therapy and podiatrists, and the "right" shoes to wear. All of us had had some foot complaint recently. So I got to thinking and got inspired. This poem is dedicated to all my dear friends: young and old, old and new, family and non-relation. This poem’s for you.

Shoes


When you find that pair of shoes
The ones that fit so sweet
That feel like walking in a cloud
No matter how rocky the road
You never want to lose them
However old or worn
They are your true companions
through the years


Then you spy a brand new pair
That liven up your feet
They make you feel like dancing
To such a different tune
So chic, so colorful, so now
Strolling down exciting paths
You never walked before


And so you set these newer shoes
Beside your well-worn friends
gratefully


© E.M. Ramos 4/26/2009

FRIENDS: REAL AND FICTIONAL

Yes I do have fictional friends. Since retirement, I have had more time to read – unfortunately when the book is intense, I find myself staying up to 3 a.m. to see what happens next. I enjoy books about friends, especially the kind of groups in Lorna Landvik’s Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons or Susan Kidd Monk’s The Secret Life of Bees. Check out The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs, a poignant tale about a woman’s club based on Manhattan’s upper West side, a club that does more gnoshing than knitting and whose members grow to support each other through many crises. A wonderful film The Station Agent is about the struggle to make friendships and allow friends into your life, to see your pain, to help you out.

These fictional friends have touched me deeply and reminded me how important friends have been throughout my life. In one difficult transition time after another, a friend – Jo, Arleen, Ann, Sr. Pat and so many others – showed up to walk with me through the pain.

I think of all these loving people as my own personal cheering squad. When the game is going my way, they celebrate with me. When the score is against me, they cheer me on, encouraging me not to lose heart. And vice versa.

Just like in the books and movies.

FRIENDS: OLD AND NEW

One of the blessings of retirement is the time to refresh friendships, reconnect with old friends and make new ones. And today, there are so many ways to “be with” friends.

This past year or so, I’ve noticed that my “in person” getogethers with my long time pal Pat have been happening more often. We share two of my favorite pastimes – eating out and “window shopping” at the Mall.

Then there is the group of ex-Catholic Charities colleagues that meet once a month to do museums or cultural sites. We’ve done Met tours, Botanical Gardens events, trips to the Zoo, the Nassau County Museum of Art and the Talbot’s outlet (how’d that get in there?). To tell the truth our monthly gatherings are 90% café and conversation and 10% culture. Last month we even ran into another “friend from work” at the Met, so there were six of us.

There have also been many friends from the past that I can spend more time with via e-mail; this blog has brought messages from many. And some visits are planned for next month with friends I haven’t seen for years.

For my internet challenged pals, who live far away, I’ve logged in more phone time, especially with A. who lives on a farm in the mid-West. A. and I go way back – to our college days at St. John’s University.

During the Transition Retreat I made last June (see July 5th blog) one of the retreatants reminded me of a dear friend Mary, a lively 90+ year old who lives in California. I was prompted to make a long overdue phone call and found that she had been seriously ill. How glad I was to speak with her!

My dream of making new friends in retirement is taking a bit longer but I trust that my pursuit of volunteer service and a spiritual direction group starting in a few weeks may bring new people to grace my life.