Still Struggling

Still Struggling

Well it seems that I have a slight fracture of the hip in the groin area - no wonder it hurts so much. What does this mean? I need to learn patience since I won’t be able to walk the way I’d like to for some time. I need to spend more time at home, inside, quietly. This really drives me crazy since I am an outside person. I am always ready to escape: to the Botanical Garden, to the city, to the mall, to the movies, to see friends. Anywhere but home.

What do I need to learn from this experience? More empathy with those who are challenged and cannot get around easily. I marvel at how people get around the city on wheelchairs and walkers. I’m afraid to cross the street at my new slow pace.

Maybe I need to learn to be quiet and meditate more, to explore that deep dark scary “inner me” that I try so hard to shut out. Maybe I need to learn new things: new tricks on the computer and internet? Maybe I need to work on my presentation for next Fall’s Wisdom Wednesday Workshop that I will be leading. Anyway, I can’t say I don’t have the time. Time is all I have right now. Time to learn, time to get well.

An Early Thanksgiving

I have been so busy lately that my blog has suffered. As I revisited my autumn poems to share, I did notice that they seem a bit sad and it surprised me; it certainly wasn't intentional. It seems that Autumn in New York has become a November rather than October happening. Today, as I looked up at the sky, I thought: "That's a November sky all right." And I remembered the following poem.

An Early Thanksgiving

That’s a November sky up there
Dark clouded circles drooping from its heavy lidded eyes
Frosty breath chasing fingers into pockets
Planting autumn’s answers in the
Deep down dirt of harvesting hearts
That walk along the noisy banks of the silent river
Pondering the taste of pumpkin memories
Singing in the shower of leaves
Their sacred songs, a glorious chorus of joyous hues
As gratitude graces a new generation of pilgrims.

Copyright Eleanor Ramos 10/23/04

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Never enough time...

Sometimes time is on my mind when I'm not even aware of it. Like when this poem came to me last Memorial Day.....

Memorial Day

Folded boulders, remnants of the last
Ice Age to hit the Bronx,
Deeds deep hidden in their wrinkled crevices,
Deeds all but forgotten.

Trunks of trees, wrung out like wash rags
drying in the heat of May,
Fear forever frozen in their furrowed faces,
Fear of what will never be.

Breathless breezes bathe the aching head,
cool the heated heart while
Thoughts of Death invade the mind,
terrorize the soul, paralyze the will

Not enough time
to get it all done
to do it all right
the way it should be

Not enough time
Never enough time
Now there really is
Not enough time.

Copyright E.M. Ramos 5/29/2007

Where does the time go?

Hey is it only me? Or does everyone feel they just don't have enough time. I have not posted for two or three weeks. Why am I so busy? Why am I so angry about "not enough time"? I thought retirement meant having lots of free time.

Well it has been a full two weeks - did a workshop at a NJ parish for Partners in Healing; joined a spiritual direction group; got a grant (at last!) for my part time job, which means more work; my granddaughter's Confirmation (see "my daughter's blog"); having overnight guests, which means serious housecleaning.

I think what is bothering me is that I was thrown out of my comforting "routine". Having all these "different" things to attend to instead of sleeping late, blogging, walking, malling and to top it off, I missed 2 Weight Watchers meetings. And yet. I enjoyed all of it, even the cleaning.

So why was I so angry? It hurts to interrupt my routine, to introduce change, uncertainty. I am no longer on "safe grounds". I am not in control. That's scary and it transforms into angry.

Luckily, I still remember to pray. And last Sunday - when I was really angry - I remembered to focus. And this is the story my ANGER is trying to tell me, the same story I have heard so many times. I am angry that I am not DOING all that I "should" do, that I am not what I "should" be. Old story. And it feels so sad.

Of course, I even wrote a poem about it. Actually many poems. Keep tuned.